chicken – new world mischief

How pepper spray almost cost me my penis

Whenever I talk to my friends about our days in Pretoria then Hatfield Square will always be the main topic. There shall be no other crazy mad fun place like that I’m the entire world and that I’m certain of. That place was so properly structured that it had the right place for any type of mood anybody might have been experiencing on any day. I remember my 2 friends and I had decided to stay after June exams to party more because our respective homes are either boring or are a military zone with curfews and all that other crap you experience at home. Funny enough I experience that crap on a daily now but we are not there. I was with Sbu Jam and Thabiso. One thing that actually made us stay was because Sbu Jam had just gotten paid 3 months’ salary for doing promotions and we had been carrying him for a long time. So his story was always that when he gets paid we would party as hard as possible so it was something to look forward to. The salary SMS came in while I was holding his phone so when we decided to hit the square I knew exactly what we were working with. We hit the whole square that night, from Cherry Jam in the afternoon, moving to T4 later and closing it off at Dropzone from 2 am until 4 am. It was a memorable night indeed and we accomplished everything we set to accomplish when we hit the square.

Everything was almost perfect that night except the fact that Thabiso wanted to prove that he is from Thembisa and he knows thug life and on the other hand Sbu Jam has just started taking MMA lessons. I spent a lot of moments putting out fires at the Sqaure that night because from my previous experiences here with my other friends I knew exactly what the bouncers were capable off. I won’t dwell too much on how that came to be but violent measures were used to tame this gorilla and make him submit to the laws there. I obviously had special benefits of not standing in queues , wearing flops and shots and still be allowed in.

Fortunately we made it out of the Square without any physical confrontations with anybody and we headed to Uncle Faouzi . If you’ve partied in Hatfield you even forget about all the other chicken franchises because when you are proper drunk or sober that food at Uncle Faouzi just does the things. Just everything in that Menu is quite delicious.

I remember I was ordering and chatting to the staff there and even making them laugh when I heard an “Ohh” sound from outside. My gut just knew who was misbehaving. Sbu Jan has dropped some punk with a head kick and he was ground and pounding him hard. That time I didn’t know it was called ground and pound because I was not an MMA fan yet but I had watched a bit to know that Sbu Jam was doing exactly what he saw on the videos he watched on a daily basis.

Reinforcements for the punk that was laid out in the street came in numbers and that’s where Thabiso had the opportunity to prove that he lives thug life from Thembisa . This man out of the blue had a screwdriver (I swear I don’t know where he pulled it out from) and he stabbed the first back up person that came to the scene. The rest of the guys took quick steps back. So I quickly went to fetch my order because I saw the securities were approaching from all directions and were quickly closing in. I took the screwdriver and put it in the middle of one Scwarma. Those securities knew Thabiso had a weapon but couldn’t prove it and they couldn’t come to me because I was not involved in that. Thabiso and Sbu Jam were rejoicing from the victory they just had and they started acting pompous on the scene. Those securities didn’t have time for games and in an instant they pepper sprayed them both in the face. Sbu Jan jolted to the Gautrain station 🚉 for reasons he only knows. Apparently the securities there were friendly enough to allow him to wash his face. I was left with Thabiso and I was pulling him back to The Fields . So the guy couldn’t see and as I was helping him to the flat I also touched his face with my hand. We got to the flat to find Sbu Jam already there still washing his face. Thabiso was next and I was just laughing the whole time.

I fell asleep only to wake up in maybe 20 minutes or less. I knew it was 20 minutes or less because I was still drunk. My penis was burning like hell. I didn’t understand what was going and I got sober in an instant. That thing was burning continuously and went to wash it quickly and it cooled off. It didn’t register to me why it was burning until I slept again. The second time I understood that when I fell asleep my hand which had strong residues of pepper spray was involuntarily slipping into my boxers and it burned my treasured member. Even science can’t prove why we man sleep with one hand holding our shafts but from that day I’ve never done it ever again.

So Friday I hooked up with my friends at 86 Public Randburg . There’s a reason they are called danger zone.That place was nice until Eskom did what it does best and the back up generator was malfunctioning. It instantly got boring and we were falling asleep. One person even fetched those Bluetooth speakers in their cars and it didn’t help the situation, in fact it made it worse. People actually travel with those speakers in their cars when they go to restaurants 😐.

My friend Kbaybay aka Krabmoney aka many other different monikers was not having it. It was a Friday after all and it was time to groove and not sit around like chatting like adults going through a mid life crisis. So what’s the next best thing to do in Johannesburg? Go to Soweto and turn up. We went to Urban Grill Soweto, a lovey joint in Pimville. You’ll never get disappointed In Soweto, the music is on point , the prices are fair and the girls are also on point. Girls are actually beautiful all over South Africa 🇿🇦 but they have that extra thing in Johannesburg because they are always up to date with the latest trends. We were not there for the girls but I couldn’t help but notice.

We were not disappointed at all , you’d think we drank a Red Bull, Mofoya, Monster and Powerplay cocktail the way we suddenly had our energy back. It was going down hard. We were in our grooving element. I actually lost count of the number of bottles we drank there. I knew it was closing when they came to kick us out and the music was stopped. I was chuffed that finally I could go to sleep because I was toast drunk but the gents had other ideas. At 4am we went to another place in town . That place doesn’t close and one of the guys bought another bottle there and that’s when I realized that sleep is very far from us. I looked at everyone and could see that no one was even contemplating sleep except Kbaybay and I knew if he disappeared he would be in the Benz sleeping. I had to keep it to myself because if I told him he would summon the energy to stay on longer. True to that he disappeared and I found him sleeping in the car and I didn’t say anything to him,I just hopped in , dropped the seat and instantly blacked out. That time it was about 05h30 in the morning .

Next thing I was woken up by the gents to go sleep inside the complex. I didn’t even see how we got there and where we were all I wanted was to sleep. I wasn’t the only but as you know there’s always a stubborn person who thinks we shouldn’t sleep if the liquor is not finished.

Eventually the dust settled and we all went to sleep. I woke up at about 11am and got ready to hit the road back to mbombela. Sure enough my friend came to pick me up and we hit the road. I had one of the worst hangovers known to men and decided to get Chicken Licken wings. My head was pounding hard and I had seen how the wings had solved a lot of people’s hangovers and I thought it would do the same for me. Well to some extent they helped because I slept the whole way from Johannesburg to Mbombela. When we got to Mbombela none of us wanted to groove but it was early so we decided to go watch Bad Boys 🎥 at Riverside Mall. I was feeling a little bit light headed but I was absolutely fine or so I thought . I had successfully managed to avoid a lot of spoilers for that movie. The problems started after I ate those popcorns 🍿. The problems started on the opening scene of that movie and I could feel discomfort in my stomach. I had been so anxious to watch that movie I decided to toughen it up. God was not on my side man as 10 minutes into the movie I made my first sprint to the bathroom. It was not as quick as I thought it would be. I think I did that about 4 times during the movie. I think there was 20 minutes left of the movie and it was getting hot but my stomach was also getting hot. Eskom finally did me a solid by load shedding and in that moment I knew God was back on my and I knew it would take at least 5 minutes for the movie to resume and I went to get rid of all my troubles in the bathroom. That last session made me feel as tops as one could be. I tried giving those cinema operating a piece of my mind because they movie had not resumed. One of those security just said I must keep quiet before I have to run back to the toilet again. I took that on the chin and put my tail between my legs and went back to wait for the movie in silence.

I’m writing this still in the toilet 😔because I lived by the phrase “when in Rome do what the Romans do”.

In conclusion let’s remember that what works for somebody else doesn’t necessarily mean it will work for you.